A deal with money

I am a typical ordinary smug who do not know how to hold my own money. This kind of problem is not new to any. This cancer lingers to the very root of every irresponsible individual unfortunately –like me. What is more is that I do have a part time job and still receiving from the pockets of my mother, shame on me. What do you call us? Irresponsible good for nothing extravagant penniless social climber. Oh mind you, I have an internet connection but I cannot afford to buy one single meal. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Who among you are the same with me? Who among you struggle to manage your allowances and of course salaries? Salary gives me the idea of a responsible career driven woman who masters the game of money managing that was ten years ago. An idea I have long gone replaced with the image of me a not so-well with holding money picture.

This comes no easy because like you and me our wallets are the same too. This is the hardest part of all. I have a job but my wallet cannot even look at its self. How about yours? I believe it shy in shaming me but its very existence felt it though. And yet even with the knowledge of this I refuse to change. Once money arrives I throw it away as if nothing in me was sacrificed to have it. A cancer, just like it oozing having your system and then slowly crawling to the very core of your being cutting all the sense of knowing what is need from want and from unnecessary unneeded but still you want it things. Then, viola! All gone, nothing remains, except my wallet –crying.

I do not take a single pride of this one. But I do acknowledge this indifference in me. I need to convict myself. Change is out of reach. It is very futile. It is placed somewhere I cannot grasp. BUT I have decided I have to vindicate the days I have spent, sweat I have poured and the sleepless nights I have endured. I have to bring justice to them by giving them a day just full of relaxation. They shall not worry how many of them would again be wasted because the master of the body they lived knows nothing in money management.

I shall save. Yes I will. This is easier said than done. However, taking one step to maturity is being able to decide what I should have for dinner tonight. And it includes being able to identify what to have and what to let go. I guess I will start with this. Shall we?

A HEART THAT CANNOT STAY

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People say I am the strongest. Frequently, they will ask how is it possible that I am not afraid of getting lost in the wilderness of life. This of course sounded like a compliment but like any other manifestation of accolade it does not come easy. I have to face –head on consequences and it comes with the price of not breaking down. But how could you not when that consequence is not less than being friend with no one. 

I have set marks of my own timeline. Personal goals to be made, from one point to the other, in between are not included but the finite points of every aim are set and it is not open for any influence of changes. I have set those marks with the cost on my mind –everything will be superficial. You will be like the river flowing, never stagnant; you have to remember that you cannot stay –you are not allowed to stay. You have forbidden yourself; it is the cost you have to pay.

See, the life I am making is not easy. Imagine being friend with no one? When your personality is the exact opposite of what you have decided long before, nobody will ever know. People will not suspect that you will be bearing the pain of leaving and being left. You cannot choose either of the both. Lucky are those who got to decide when it will be that they are the one leaving and when they will be the one to be left. But when your case is both, pain is unbearable and what’s worse is that nobody’s going to know about it, after all you are strong –they have perceive you to be strong.

Do not get me wrong when I said I cannot be friend with no one, that everything will be superficial because it is the saddest part of all of these. I have tried being superficial tried being shallow, making acquaintances; I tried to be civil. Simple hi’s and hello’s but as much as you could never paint love, I never succeeded. Later did I know, everything is too late, I am in the pit of getting hurt –deep because I have to leave and people cannot stay. I cannot bring them with me to the next point I have plotted. Wishing it would cause heartache, hoping for it is self-devastation. Painful but I carried it all. I have failed not to make friends and it is futile not making memories, being superficial is something I cannot be. It is difficult to battle the nature of your own existence –tell you, you can never depart from it. So, I have to keep it all. I have to be strong.

And since I have decided to get those points head on, tears are gems I cannot share with, I have to bear it all. But I’m not yet done, remember that in between those points are not mine, I cannot control any of those times. I will meet people; God will throw names I thought I never needed. I will get to know people and they’ll get to know me. That is something I have learned and I have accepted I cannot use authority in the plan I’ve made, that plan was not mine in the first place.

I cannot falter in this game of life. This will hurt and I have prepared my eyes for unseen rains. I have accepted that I cannot stay nor command people to go with me but it is settled that no matter how painful it may get a walled heart is something I cannot get. So I will welcome you with open arms; pour everything to the bond between us. I will take care of you as long as I can. I will be a friend when you need me or not. I will argue with you about life as much as you will with mine. I will listen to the rants of your love. I will get angry with you when I want. I will love you with all the time I have. And when it is time for me to move to the next point of my life, I will let you go with open arms. I will not ask you to stay or come with me because I know you too have wings meant to fly high in the sky. Rather, I will embrace you, land a kiss on your chicks and on three I will let you take the steps. I will watch you go and when you have taken the seventh step of goodbye I will call your name and shout

“Until then!”