A HEART THAT CANNOT STAY

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People say I am the strongest. Frequently, they will ask how is it possible that I am not afraid of getting lost in the wilderness of life. This of course sounded like a compliment but like any other manifestation of accolade it does not come easy. I have to face –head on consequences and it comes with the price of not breaking down. But how could you not when that consequence is not less than being friend with no one. 

I have set marks of my own timeline. Personal goals to be made, from one point to the other, in between are not included but the finite points of every aim are set and it is not open for any influence of changes. I have set those marks with the cost on my mind –everything will be superficial. You will be like the river flowing, never stagnant; you have to remember that you cannot stay –you are not allowed to stay. You have forbidden yourself; it is the cost you have to pay.

See, the life I am making is not easy. Imagine being friend with no one? When your personality is the exact opposite of what you have decided long before, nobody will ever know. People will not suspect that you will be bearing the pain of leaving and being left. You cannot choose either of the both. Lucky are those who got to decide when it will be that they are the one leaving and when they will be the one to be left. But when your case is both, pain is unbearable and what’s worse is that nobody’s going to know about it, after all you are strong –they have perceive you to be strong.

Do not get me wrong when I said I cannot be friend with no one, that everything will be superficial because it is the saddest part of all of these. I have tried being superficial tried being shallow, making acquaintances; I tried to be civil. Simple hi’s and hello’s but as much as you could never paint love, I never succeeded. Later did I know, everything is too late, I am in the pit of getting hurt –deep because I have to leave and people cannot stay. I cannot bring them with me to the next point I have plotted. Wishing it would cause heartache, hoping for it is self-devastation. Painful but I carried it all. I have failed not to make friends and it is futile not making memories, being superficial is something I cannot be. It is difficult to battle the nature of your own existence –tell you, you can never depart from it. So, I have to keep it all. I have to be strong.

And since I have decided to get those points head on, tears are gems I cannot share with, I have to bear it all. But I’m not yet done, remember that in between those points are not mine, I cannot control any of those times. I will meet people; God will throw names I thought I never needed. I will get to know people and they’ll get to know me. That is something I have learned and I have accepted I cannot use authority in the plan I’ve made, that plan was not mine in the first place.

I cannot falter in this game of life. This will hurt and I have prepared my eyes for unseen rains. I have accepted that I cannot stay nor command people to go with me but it is settled that no matter how painful it may get a walled heart is something I cannot get. So I will welcome you with open arms; pour everything to the bond between us. I will take care of you as long as I can. I will be a friend when you need me or not. I will argue with you about life as much as you will with mine. I will listen to the rants of your love. I will get angry with you when I want. I will love you with all the time I have. And when it is time for me to move to the next point of my life, I will let you go with open arms. I will not ask you to stay or come with me because I know you too have wings meant to fly high in the sky. Rather, I will embrace you, land a kiss on your chicks and on three I will let you take the steps. I will watch you go and when you have taken the seventh step of goodbye I will call your name and shout

“Until then!”

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