intentionally stayed a teacher

I become a teacher by accident. It was never my intention to be one, at least not yet. It was my childhood dream though and I promise to die as one. But that time, I had plans, goals to make. Becoming a teacher was not one of them. Well, fate plays its own game and  it has rules on its own. Now, I am a teacher.

Teaching in a university is not easy especially when you never had any teaching unit. Imposing authority to your students is more of a tug of war than playing role play. How would it sounds if I say that my students are far more older than me, their teacher. As I look back, its been two years  since I started, thank God, the game of respect the teacher because she is the teacher is still a good ball. I never thought I will get this far. Now I am thinking how did I manage to make my way far older students obey my yes and no.

The first class I had was Geography. One month later, it was taken away from me and given to another because I have to handle another class. That was my first heartbreak. Why would they give me something they will just take back in the end. But I was able to let go. I have moved one. I still remember them.

My class in Life and Works of Rizal started as a make-up session. A group of students were very busy perfecting  there eyebrows and eye shadows. I walked in, they did not notice. Until one of them bravely asked “Is her eyebrows good?” while pointing her classmate. I said yes. Never it occurred to them I was their instructor. They were pretty shocked, of course, I was not. I believe that was expected.

I got a class of 62 students. How did I manage to make sure they will never fall asleep. Or get bored, no, it was more of how to make sure they are still listening. Authority over 62 students is not easy. I think God has provided me grace of dominion because I only have to asked them once to get their attention. Thank you Lord.

My class starts 8:00 in the morning, I am struggle fighting gravity every time a meeting is set in 10:00 in the morning. But what will I do when your students send a message telling they are waiting for you.

When I was a student I sleep during classes. Now my students are doing the same. So, this is how my teachers have felt. Ma’am, Sir I am sorry. One time I asked why he was sleepy, he told me he was working night shift in a fast food chain. I discovered I had a lot of working students. I only asked them one thing, never give up education. Now, the semester is about to end. My friends and I decided to have dinner in a fast food. After the cashier took our order he said, “Hi ma’am, I am your student. And no, I am not giving up school.” It made me proud, not because I am his teacher but because he is my student and he is not giving up.

“Ma’am, may I go home, my father died.” She broke down on my shoulders. I was a good in comforting people, at least my friends say so, but I never comforted any student, my student, before. I had no words, I only had my arms extended to her.

“Class, sometimes the only thing we want the most, is the one thing we would never have.” My students agreed. One of them cried. He just broke up with his girlfriend the other night. “If it was your father in the situation, would you let him go, when he already said so?”, I asked. My student cried, she lost her father to cancer a week before. A boy in the corner never said anything. The following morning he told me, he never had one.

“Hi ma’am! I am graduating next week. Thank you.” No, kids, thank you.

These are just few of the stories I have heard from my students. Things I will never know if I never accidentally became a teacher.

 

 

 

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A HEART THAT CANNOT STAY

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People say I am the strongest. Frequently, they will ask how is it possible that I am not afraid of getting lost in the wilderness of life. This of course sounded like a compliment but like any other manifestation of accolade it does not come easy. I have to face –head on consequences and it comes with the price of not breaking down. But how could you not when that consequence is not less than being friend with no one. 

I have set marks of my own timeline. Personal goals to be made, from one point to the other, in between are not included but the finite points of every aim are set and it is not open for any influence of changes. I have set those marks with the cost on my mind –everything will be superficial. You will be like the river flowing, never stagnant; you have to remember that you cannot stay –you are not allowed to stay. You have forbidden yourself; it is the cost you have to pay.

See, the life I am making is not easy. Imagine being friend with no one? When your personality is the exact opposite of what you have decided long before, nobody will ever know. People will not suspect that you will be bearing the pain of leaving and being left. You cannot choose either of the both. Lucky are those who got to decide when it will be that they are the one leaving and when they will be the one to be left. But when your case is both, pain is unbearable and what’s worse is that nobody’s going to know about it, after all you are strong –they have perceive you to be strong.

Do not get me wrong when I said I cannot be friend with no one, that everything will be superficial because it is the saddest part of all of these. I have tried being superficial tried being shallow, making acquaintances; I tried to be civil. Simple hi’s and hello’s but as much as you could never paint love, I never succeeded. Later did I know, everything is too late, I am in the pit of getting hurt –deep because I have to leave and people cannot stay. I cannot bring them with me to the next point I have plotted. Wishing it would cause heartache, hoping for it is self-devastation. Painful but I carried it all. I have failed not to make friends and it is futile not making memories, being superficial is something I cannot be. It is difficult to battle the nature of your own existence –tell you, you can never depart from it. So, I have to keep it all. I have to be strong.

And since I have decided to get those points head on, tears are gems I cannot share with, I have to bear it all. But I’m not yet done, remember that in between those points are not mine, I cannot control any of those times. I will meet people; God will throw names I thought I never needed. I will get to know people and they’ll get to know me. That is something I have learned and I have accepted I cannot use authority in the plan I’ve made, that plan was not mine in the first place.

I cannot falter in this game of life. This will hurt and I have prepared my eyes for unseen rains. I have accepted that I cannot stay nor command people to go with me but it is settled that no matter how painful it may get a walled heart is something I cannot get. So I will welcome you with open arms; pour everything to the bond between us. I will take care of you as long as I can. I will be a friend when you need me or not. I will argue with you about life as much as you will with mine. I will listen to the rants of your love. I will get angry with you when I want. I will love you with all the time I have. And when it is time for me to move to the next point of my life, I will let you go with open arms. I will not ask you to stay or come with me because I know you too have wings meant to fly high in the sky. Rather, I will embrace you, land a kiss on your chicks and on three I will let you take the steps. I will watch you go and when you have taken the seventh step of goodbye I will call your name and shout

“Until then!”